I realized today that it's been a year to the day that I wrote the post "living in the new normal", which chronicled my thoughts after Luke's first week of school. It happens that his first school was Sedgeberrow C of E First School, as we were living in the UK this time last year. It was a lovely school and there is so much about it we miss.

So here we are. One year later. Much has changed.

On July 15 we found out that, due to Beau's job changing, our visa would no longer be valid. So we had to prepare to move back to the States rather quickly. We had an impromptu yard sale, sold off all we could, made arrangements for an apartment back in Madison, and left England on August 15. Just before we found out we needed to leave we also found out I was pregnant. But, whilst experiencing our first trip to a UK hospital, we found out I would most likely miscarry again. It took a few weeks, during which time we we trying to navigate the frustrations of being between NHS and US health insurance. So the baby Luke had nicknamed Simon ("so when we play Simon Says he can always be Simon") was gone.

We weren't able to get into our new home until October 1, so the first 7 weeks back were spent in various family members' homes and hotels. Luke was, once again, the new kid at school (as he missed the first 3 weeks of school), and during his first 3 weeks of Kindergarten we lived in a hotel in Sun Prairie.

We've finally started to get settled here... Beau and I recently switched work spaces in the house. I moved up to the smaller, sunnier upstairs room, and he moved down to the larger, darker basement. This suits us quite fine. The weather has started to get nicer, and we are able to spend more time outdoors. And Luke is nearing the end of the school year. (We discovered the school years here and in England to be quite different, as here there is a much longer summer break, but there they have longer term breaks.) Beau is thriving in his new job. That warms my heart to see.

And where am I?

I've done a few craft fairs. That is an exciting new thing for me.
I've seemingly gotten much older in one year. That stinks.
I have from about 8:30 - 2:30 on my own. Time in which to work, to paint, to plan, to clean...
I have a few commissions in the works...
and I finished that French produce book...

And yet I feel rather lost.

I hate to even mention this, but i've gained weight. I'm embarrassed and don't feel like myself. A mixture of age, stress, and depression? It's something I could (should) do something about, but I rarely feel the strength...

I don't know how to get back into life here.

The last three years have had so much adventure, been filled with so much travel, have been so incredible! Last week I came across a recently-returned ex-pat's blog post, Better to Have Loved and Lost, and I find myself thinking about that often. Would I do things differently, if given the chance? Would we stay here? Would I give up those experiences our family had, the places Luke has been to and seen?? The answer is always No. Never.

And yet, I find myself really struggling to move on.

And, again, as with my other Great Matter, I feel guilty about these feelings, as I concurrently realize that I am blessed beyond belief. We want for nothing. We have each other. We have family. We have a home. We have love. We have a Savior. We are His. And... we had the all the amazing experiences (that are causing me so much angst in the moment!) Things keep changing. We keep getting older. What will next year hold? I know that much worse could happen - much worse than "I'm sad cuz I don't get to traipse around Europe anymore."

But I'm currently struggling to find a path forward. Instead of back.

I get home from taking Luke to school, make myself a cup of Yorkshire tea, and I'm instantly back in Sedgeberrow, hearing a Yakult advert in the other room. Then I wish that I was taking my morning walk, meeting Mrs. B and Daisy along the way, marveling at the fact that there is more than one thatched roof cottage in our village, straight out of a fairy tale... Last night Luke told me all the paths to take, and landmarks along the way, to get from our house to Hinton-on-the-Green... I go to sleep at night, pretending we're still there, or trying to figure out how and when would be the best way to move back...

What should I do?

Finish the commission I am working on...
Do that project I said I'd do for Luke's school...
Work on some new display ideas for the next art fair...
Fold the laundry...
Chop potatoes and mushrooms for soup tonight...
(Skip that ice cream bar)

And I should probably go for a walk.